The Weekly Bender: Fantasy Football Festivus

Fri Jul 11 9:31pm ET
By HOWARD BENDER
Fantasy Writer

Fantasy Football Festivus

Sing it with me!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you be of good cheer
It's the most wonderful time of the year

That’s right, baby! It’s like Christmas in July!

The calendar flips past the 4^th of July and that means fantasy football draft season just kicked into high gear! Sure, we’ve been drafting best ball teams for months already, but we’re a bunch of psychopaths. Now is the time when the rest of the fantasy community catches up and the masses start filing in to make a championship run for themselves.

Deck the halls and all that holiday spirit stuff!

But considering all the idiocy that can accompany any fantasy football draft or just setting up a league properly (you commissioners know what I’m talking about), maybe Christmas is the wrong holiday here. Sure, all families fight, but the drama that typically ensues at this time of year can be so nonsensical, it sounds more like we need an aluminum pole to rock around way more than just some tree. Maybe add in some feats of strength? How about a full airing of the grievances!

That’s right, you guessed it -- it’s Fantasy Football Festivus – truly, the most wonderful time of the year.

Festivus, for those not in-the-know, was originally created as a way to fight back against all the commercialism that comes with the Christmas season and that’s exactly what we’re doing here. Well, sort of. We are using the traditions of Festivus to clap back at the NFL and the fantasy football community. Not for everything; just the real important stuff.

For example, if you haven’t realized yet, it takes the equivalent of three mortgage payments to afford watching every NFL regular season game across the multitude of streaming services that broadcast games. And, if I’m being honest, I would much rather make a sizeable donation to the Human Fund rather than have to shell out one more dollar to Netflix or Amazon Prime. It is beyond frustrating. Almost as frustrating to hear about some millionaire crybaby holding out for even more money because he doesn’t want to honor the original deal he signed. You feel me? Hence the need for the airing of grievances!

But since my pockets aren’t deep enough for the NFL to care about what I think of them or their policies, I choose to bite the other hands that feed me and will turn my attention to the fantasy community. It’s not that I don’t love each and every one of you, but, in the immortal words of Frank Costanza, “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re going to hear about it!”

To the person who always makes it difficult to pick a draft date:

Your time is no more important than that of any of the rest of us in the league. We all have work and families and responsibilities and such. Stop being such a self-centered pain in the ass and figure out how to carve out two hours of your day to do a draft. Online drafting has made it ridiculously easy and if it’s a live draft, you should want to hang out and have some fun. If not, then say goodbye. There are plenty of other people who want to join.

To the commissioner who uses default settings when setting up the league:

You lazy son of a…

Stop taking the easy route and make sure your league set-up and rules are solid. Default settings are garbage, especially when it comes to scoring and criteria to make the playoffs. If you want a competitive yet fair league, then take the time to adjust the settings. Check the scoring and make sure everything is in proper order. Set up actual waivers instead of the ridiculous first-come, first-served free-for-all that takes place. Make sure those waivers run (whether it’s FAAB or priority) on the right day and that you give the league time to adjust if they don’t get their guys. Do things like account for just how random the auto-generated schedule is by awarding a playoff position for most total points. Being a good commissioner is more than just picking a draft date. Do better.

To the person who always tries to push new rules on the league:

We see you…and your agenda. Every time you look to change the rules, we see it’s because you lost last year and you think changing the rules to something you prefer is the way to go. It doesn’t work like that. Just because you didn’t make the playoffs because you lost the total-points tiebreaker doesn’t mean we should make head-to-head record the answer. Just because your starters sat in Week 16 last year doesn’t mean we need to shorten the regular season by another game this year. It’s not that we’re against change. It’s that your way isn’t necessarily what’s best for the entire league.

To the person who never reads the rules:

Stop asking if it’s a PPR league three rounds into the draft. Stop asking how many receivers you start. Stop coming to us in Week 14 complaining about the criteria to make the playoffs because you just realized you didn’t make it. Read the damn rules and read them BEFORE you draft. Heck, read them before you accept the invite to the league. There is nothing worse than the person who complains about everything or routinely asks dumb questions that are already laid out in the rules. Take the five minutes out of your precious day and read them.

To the person who routinely cries that people are taking too long in a slow draft:

You signed up for a slow draft. Deal with it. If the league has an eight-hour clock for making a pick then everyone is well within their rights to take the full amount of allotted time. If it only takes you two minutes to make your pick, fantastic. The rest of us love you for that. But not everyone is the same and you cannot hold everyone else to your standards. Can it be frustrating? Sure. But then don’t do a slow draft if it grinds your gears that much.

To the person who milks the clock for every pick:

Just because you have eight hours to make your pick doesn’t mean you should always be taking the full eight hours to make your pick. Read the room. Don’t be a douche. Everyone understands the differences in schedules and time zones, but if you’re the guy who is routinely holding up the draft, maybe think about setting up your queue with players so that, if you know you’re going to be a while, you can put yourself on auto-pick for the round.

For the person on the wheel who takes more than 3 seconds for the second pick of their back-to-back:

This move is what the kids call “straight cheeks,” and if you don’t know the expression, just understand that it’s actually worse than being a douche. You know you’re on the wheel. You know you have back-to-back picks. You have plenty of time to look at the player pool and figure out your move for each pick. If you drag it out even longer for any reason that isn’t life or death related, you are never going to be invited back.

To the person who rips on every pick everyone else makes:

We get it. You’re super-knowledgeable and we’re all so appreciative that you’ve graced us with your presence. We’re not even sure why we play with you because, really, we’re all so jealous of your big football brain. I’m sure all that knowledge has you hoisting trophies and swimming through mountains of gold coins like you’re Scrooge McDuck, but maybe take some pity on us during the draft and shut up. It’s like my granddaddy always used to say, “Opinions are like buttholes. Everyone’s got one and most of ‘em stink.”

To the person who says, “nice pick” all the time:

Nice guys finish last, so you can shut up too.

To the league’s owl (live drafts only):

Is there anything worse than getting into Round 10 of your draft and hearing the same person asking “Who?” with every single pick? Either learn the player pool or use the Google machine to look the names up. If you keep asking, “Who?” we know you’re a bigger threat to stop setting your lineup and quit mid-season than you are to make the playoffs, let alone win the league.

To the person who tries to leave the draft without taking a kicker or a defense:

What’s up, Loophole Larry? Another big-brained blowhard who thinks they’re the smartest person in the room. We get why you try to do it, but we’re not allowing it, regardless of whether or not there is something specific in the rules that demands you fill out an entire starting roster before you leave the draft room. If you’re starting a kicker and a defense each week then you should be obligated to leave your draft with at least one kicker and a defense. All you commissioners out there need to be aware of this. Don’t leave your league set-up without including this and don’t let Loophole Larry win.

To the person who never pays their entrance fee before the draft and the commissioner who allows them to still participate:

If you don’t pay, you don’t play. Simple as that. There is nothing worse than winning a fantasy league and not getting paid out in a timely fashion because some jackwagon hasn’t paid and the idiot commissioner who let them play can’t or doesn’t cover it themselves. If the money is too much then don’t participate. If you need time to put the entrance fee together, start tucking a little something away in June until you have enough. But not paying, paying late or being a commissioner who doesn’t have the cajones to demand payment up front is not acceptable.

And this is all just preseason! I’ve got a whole mess of in-season grievances too, but I’m on the clock in a slow draft right now and I practice what I preach. Happy Fantasy Festivus!

Bender out.

The Weekly Bender: Fantasy Football Festivus

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